State of the Loopfax
Friday, February 20, 2004
Upon recommendation of one of Michelle's (special lady friend) co-workers; the ultimate loopfax one could send - and this is if you're saying to yourself "you fucking asshole, take this!!!" - is this three page combination:

PAGE ONE : find a black piece of paper or mark up a piece of paper completely black

PAGE TWO : see page one

PAGE THREE : see page one + add white lettering "Stop faxing me, [enter derogatory name of choice here]!!!!!"

Not only are you sending an oblivious onslaught of repetitious paper you're alsop toasting the recipients toner cartridge... Killing two birds with one stone, eh! Another handy faxtool tip from your friends at Loopfax!

Friday, February 06, 2004
Today's loopfax is dedicated to all librarians great and small. I won't beat around the bush here at all; I fuckin hate librarians. Library fines, for one, are an artifice. Also, every librarian you meet seems to have an innate desire to give patrons a crash course in bureaucracy - that is, how their particular library is organised. They do this by turning up their noses as your requests for assistance in finding books that are never where they should be, and also by passing your complaints or questions on to someone in some other department of the library, and scorning you for not knowing a priori that you should have directed your question elsewhere in the first place. Sometimes they extort money from you before they will even attempt to answer your questions, and then after you've paid down their imaginary late fines and "administrative charges", they say, "well I can't really answer that question...whay don't you ask Paul down in circulation? that's his department", or something like that. For all you dewey decimal fuckers (and, given the current rate of online publishing and the increasingly efficient and ubiquitous automation of archival sciences, I'd say, thank whatever god there is above that THE END IS NIGH FOR THOU), this loopfax's for you. Have a nice day.

Page 1:

Hello I'm looking for a book co-authored by Thoreau and Borges.

Page 2:

Oh sorry, I meant Thimbald (the hairier one or something), and Timothy Findley. They did some sort of porno I hear. I think it's F869.L83 L32.

Page 3:

Thank you for your help; it's very much appreciated. I guess you're something of a heal. Since literacy is spiralling into oblivion, I guess you'll be dead soon. It's hard to eat on an obsolete credential. Fuck, I'd think if I were you. Awaiting your reply, Frank, enjoying myslef. G'night!

Thursday, February 05, 2004
Alright "bitches and hoes" (or is that hos? but that looks like it should be pronounced "haas"), the chef is in the kitchen and he's cooking up a lovely loopfax for you. This is a effectively and clever three-pager I call "les petits animaux avec la peau de fromage":

1. Page one is a flyer from a bad punk gig. Most North American cities have their token punk bar in town, usually using monikers such as "Sloppy's", "W.D. Chuckanussee's Saloon" or "The Puke Den". The poster should be in an overly-crammed cut and paste format with band names in a large variety of fonts. THE MORE FONTS THE BETTER.

2. Take a blank sheet of 8.5 x 11 paper and rub on your face. IF you haven't washed your face in a while there should be a light and soiled brown colour. Sign the paper with "hello".

3. I love carrots.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Page 1:

Kid? I gotta news flash for you. 'Ain't no judge in this state gonna let you off when you walk in with a gun in one hand, half-eaten Wendy's burger in the other, and no shoes on.

Page 2:

I tellya shweetheart, this world 'ain't big enough to hold onto what we got here. You ever had a man die in your arms? It's frightful, baby, frightful, see? And if you don't know what frightful is, then I don't know what frightful does. See?

Page 3:

Peter Lorre had a scrotum as capacious as Kansas. Hot, dry, and afraid of bullets. Bullets, see? Now are you gonna start talkin' or do I have to slug it out of ya?

Sunday, February 01, 2004
Letters from my readers...

Dear Loopfax:

I've been having some trouble with my boss lately. I'm a young woman in my early 20s and I just started working for this company 2 months ago, and my boss (an older, hairier woman than myself...you know the 'power suit' set with a poofy do and big shoulders?) keeps staring down my shirt whenever I ask for help with Microsoft Word or something. I don't want to bring it up in person and endanger my job, but I thought a nice concise, but threatening loopfax might nix the problem before I find myslef eating her hairy snazz just to keep myself alive. Any ideas?

Yours truly,
Cincinatti OH.

Dear Adina,

If either (1) eating hairy snazz and/or (2) being sexually harassed just ain't your thing, well you know the best thing to do about it is to threaten legal action. But you probably can't afford that, if you're in your early 20s as you say. And you can't afford to lose your job by just smacking the old bitch, either. Well, Loopfax has the answer...actually, loopfaxing is the answer...

Here's the loopfax I propose for your 'power ranger' boss:

Page 1:

Page 2:
Focault's pendulous breasts

Page 3:
Internal Revenue Service Document #FD9-00357-78-TH04
Please reply via registered post.

Now if that won't scare the old bag, I don't know what will. She'll be biting her fingernails over this loop for months...or for as long as you wnat to keep it up. Also, as an employee of the company, you have the advantage of being forced to know what her new fax number will be in the event she changes it. And she will. Often.

Loopily yours,


Note to my other readers:

I'm getting lotsa mail. If you want me to answer, don't send your emails more than once. I heard you already. It's just so annoying to receive multiple copies of the same email over and over again. And remember: the correct email address is loopfax@hotmail.com. I've been receiving angry complaints from somebody at poolsex@hotmail.com, and they're really quite illiterate and belligerent. You might want to send in some loopfax ideas for this asshole as well. In the meantime, keep the emails coming in, and I'll do my best to answer them!


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