State of the Loopfax

2005-11-01T09:58:00.000-08:00

loopfax is bax. how y'like them fax..z..?

loopfax is proud to announce its revival and incorporation into the Pranks Department at simulacre.ca, currently preparing for a major relaunch itself. We shall be part of Simulacre Media's comprehensive toolkit for everyone suffering under the tedium of everything going according to the bossman's expectation, a big "NO" to the psychological abuse of Late Capitalism. As much as we are jumbled up in its cogs, we can still twitch back sarcastically all we want.

And now, bax to tha fax...

2004-02-20T23:11:00.000-08:00

THE ULTIMATE LOOPFAX OF DOOM!!!!!
Upon recommendation of one of Michelle's (special lady friend) co-workers; the ultimate loopfax one could send - and this is if you're saying to yourself "you fucking asshole, take this!!!" - is this three page combination:

PAGE ONE : find a black piece of paper or mark up a piece of paper completely black

PAGE TWO : see page one

PAGE THREE : see page one + add white lettering "Stop faxing me, [enter derogatory name of choice here]!!!!!"

Not only are you sending an oblivious onslaught of repetitious paper you're alsop toasting the recipients toner cartridge... Killing two birds with one stone, eh! Another handy faxtool tip from your friends at Loopfax!

2004-02-06T20:03:00.000-08:00

Today's loopfax is dedicated to all librarians great and small. I won't beat around the bush here at all; I fuckin hate librarians. Library fines, for one, are an artifice. Also, every librarian you meet seems to have an innate desire to give patrons a crash course in bureaucracy - that is, how their particular library is organised. They do this by turning up their noses as your requests for assistance in finding books that are never where they should be, and also by passing your complaints or questions on to someone in some other department of the library, and scorning you for not knowing a priori that you should have directed your question elsewhere in the first place. Sometimes they extort money from you before they will even attempt to answer your questions, and then after you've paid down their imaginary late fines and "administrative charges", they say, "well I can't really answer that question...whay don't you ask Paul down in circulation? that's his department", or something like that. For all you dewey decimal fuckers (and, given the current rate of online publishing and the increasingly efficient and ubiquitous automation of archival sciences, I'd say, thank whatever god there is above that THE END IS NIGH FOR THOU), this loopfax's for you. Have a nice day.

Page 1:

Hello I'm looking for a book co-authored by Thoreau and Borges.

Page 2:

Oh sorry, I meant Thimbald (the hairier one or something), and Timothy Findley. They did some sort of porno I hear. I think it's F869.L83 L32.

Page 3:

Thank you for your help; it's very much appreciated. I guess you're something of a heal. Since literacy is spiralling into oblivion, I guess you'll be dead soon. It's hard to eat on an obsolete credential. Fuck, I'd think if I were you. Awaiting your reply, Frank, enjoying myslef. G'night!

2004-02-05T01:12:00.000-08:00

Alright "bitches and hoes" (or is that hos? but that looks like it should be pronounced "haas"), the chef is in the kitchen and he's cooking up a lovely loopfax for you. This is a effectively and clever three-pager I call "les petits animaux avec la peau de fromage":

1. Page one is a flyer from a bad punk gig. Most North American cities have their token punk bar in town, usually using monikers such as "Sloppy's", "W.D. Chuckanussee's Saloon" or "The Puke Den". The poster should be in an overly-crammed cut and paste format with band names in a large variety of fonts. THE MORE FONTS THE BETTER.

2. Take a blank sheet of 8.5 x 11 paper and rub on your face. IF you haven't washed your face in a while there should be a light and soiled brown colour. Sign the paper with "hello".

3. I love carrots.

2004-02-04T22:50:00.000-08:00

LOOPFAX NOIR:

Page 1:

Kid? I gotta news flash for you. 'Ain't no judge in this state gonna let you off when you walk in with a gun in one hand, half-eaten Wendy's burger in the other, and no shoes on.

Page 2:

I tellya shweetheart, this world 'ain't big enough to hold onto what we got here. You ever had a man die in your arms? It's frightful, baby, frightful, see? And if you don't know what frightful is, then I don't know what frightful does. See?

Page 3:

Peter Lorre had a scrotum as capacious as Kansas. Hot, dry, and afraid of bullets. Bullets, see? Now are you gonna start talkin' or do I have to slug it out of ya?

2004-02-01T09:09:00.000-08:00

Letters from my readers...

Dear Loopfax:

I've been having some trouble with my boss lately. I'm a young woman in my early 20s and I just started working for this company 2 months ago, and my boss (an older, hairier woman than myself...you know the 'power suit' set with a poofy do and big shoulders?) keeps staring down my shirt whenever I ask for help with Microsoft Word or something. I don't want to bring it up in person and endanger my job, but I thought a nice concise, but threatening loopfax might nix the problem before I find myslef eating her hairy snazz just to keep myself alive. Any ideas?

Yours truly,
Adina
Cincinatti OH.
______________

Dear Adina,

If either (1) eating hairy snazz and/or (2) being sexually harassed just ain't your thing, well you know the best thing to do about it is to threaten legal action. But you probably can't afford that, if you're in your early 20s as you say. And you can't afford to lose your job by just smacking the old bitch, either. Well, Loopfax has the answer...actually, loopfaxing is the answer...

Here's the loopfax I propose for your 'power ranger' boss:

Page 1:
Ornithology,

Page 2:
Focault's pendulous breasts

Page 3:
Internal Revenue Service Document #FD9-00357-78-TH04
Please reply via registered post.

Now if that won't scare the old bag, I don't know what will. She'll be biting her fingernails over this loop for months...or for as long as you wnat to keep it up. Also, as an employee of the company, you have the advantage of being forced to know what her new fax number will be in the event she changes it. And she will. Often.

Loopily yours,
Loopfax.

______________

Note to my other readers:

I'm getting lotsa mail. If you want me to answer, don't send your emails more than once. I heard you already. It's just so annoying to receive multiple copies of the same email over and over again. And remember: the correct email address is loopfax@hotmail.com. I've been receiving angry complaints from somebody at poolsex@hotmail.com, and they're really quite illiterate and belligerent. You might want to send in some loopfax ideas for this asshole as well. In the meantime, keep the emails coming in, and I'll do my best to answer them!

Ciao,
Loopfax.

2004-01-30T12:07:00.000-08:00

Sitting here with my finger on the button...waiting for my damn coffeetable to be delivered, thought of another loopfax for the antique store, who said they'd be here 15 minutes ago...

Page 1:

GET

Page 2:

OVER

Page 3:

HERE

& run it continuously until they arrive with the table. The truly ignoramic (?) part is that they are located four blocks away from the loopfax-cave. Maybe I could ask one of the bottle collectors in the alley to hand deliver the faxes instead, in exchange for some fags?

I'm tired of waiting - this fax is gonna go. I have to show up at the passport office this afternoon, after all. Loopfax is travelling to NY this year. The Big Apple, that is. Not the birthplace of the fax (which is somewhere in Scotland), of course, so this is nothing like a pilgrimage. But a whole lot of faxing must go on there. I can't wait to get involved!

2004-01-29T13:56:00.000-08:00

Here's a loopfax I'm going to send to George Bush in response to his State of the Union speech:

Page 1:
STATE OF THE FAXDOM
dum dum poo face

Page 2:
corn-haw slut

Page 3:
go away with that bum smell

Some of you may have seen the original draft in other fora. I've simplified it since then, keeping just the juicy bits. The original may have been construed as hateful and vulgar - hardly fit for publication - and would probably have been too challenging for Dubya to read anyway, since it used big words like "fuckwad", "Bechtel" and "Patriot Act" - words Bush seems to have a very difficult time understanding. If anyone wants to see the original loopfax you can email me for it.

2004-01-29T13:48:00.000-08:00

For those fond of circle-jerks, if you send me your address I'll make you the proud recipient of one of my new favourite loops...the "loopjerk". It's a loop of three pages of scanned cockrings and lube- spills, with no explanation whatsoever. circle...ring...loop...lube...you do the math.

2004-01-24T10:33:00.000-08:00

An Introduction to Loopfax, for the uninitiated:

I am a fax transmission of a paper loop (at least 3 pieces of paper, scotch-taped together, end to end, in a loop). I am sent to deserving victims. I am the low-tech equivalent of counter-SPAM. My first incarnation was as the sending of a 9000 page technical manual about an obsolete electronic device no one ever used or purchased, which proved too labour-intensive for my human progenitors. Now I am an effective weapon against all forms of faxed advertisements and other wretched, unwanted solicitations sent via fax.

Use me! I will keep on sending to the victim, even if they unplug their machine. When they plug in again, I will continue to send the same three pages. Some of my favorite loops are:

1. Tables of Contents for technical documentation or other how-to manuals.
2. 3 pages of bad goth poetry written by someone with the mental age of 11.
3. Contracts between impossible entities (such as a contract between the sun and the moon for an agreement in principle on when to rise and set).
4. printouts of internal corporate chat transcripts, where employees debate the relative merits of paperclips of different sizes.

This blog is meant for me and you to get together and share our Loopfax adventures - be they textual, graphical, or whatever. I encourage readers to send in stories of attempted Loopfaxes, pictures of said attempts, ideas for new Loopfaxes, and anything relevant to the State of the Loopfax.

2004-01-23T17:48:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the State of the Loopfax!